Monday 21 April 2008

Father Jerome

Father Jerome grew up in the city. In school, he would explore the realms of perfection revealed by music and mathematics. He preferred the lives of the saints to the earthy exploits of his classmates on the sports grounds. He was a solitary boy but content in his world of ideas and abstraction. In the seminary he excelled in philosophy and theology, and a career as an academic, or maybe even the Curia, seemed to await him.


No one's surprise could have been greater than Father Jerome's when he was posted to a lonely parish in the wind-swept hills. Where was Aquinas when Father Jerome heaved one muddy boot after another to visit a sick shepherd in his hovel? What chance had Palestrina among jostling, mischievous choirboys who could scarcely read their schoolbooks, let alone music? But Father Jerome found strength in the faith that his great learning told him was true. The months became seasons, the seasons years, and Father Jerome grew to love his simple people just as they loved him. He smiled when they ploughed carefully around a patch in a field so as not to disturb the fairies who lived there. He blessed their lambs against the evil eye. He knew the Lord was a man who worked with His hands, who came from people like this, and He would understand. Even if the country folks' heads were full of magical creatures, their hearts remained open to God's love.


Father Jerome was walking to a dying woman's house when he first heard the voice. “I can see you, Father Jerome, but you can't see me”. Father Jerome was no stranger to pranks. How often had he left the school and found that a toad had taken up residence in his hat? He would join in the laughter and solemnly name the toad after the conspiracy's ringleader. But this was different. The speech seemed to come from everywhere but nowhere. It whispered with an aetherial hollowness as if it was the voice of the mist itself. His duties and the darkness precluded investigation, so Father Jerome continued down the winding track, a puzzled frown creasing his brow.


The old woman's struggle ended late in the night, and it was nearly dawn when Father Jerome returned home. When she arrived for burial two days hence, he would place her rosary beads around her rough cold fingers and pretend not to notice the three stones and a feather secreted in her mouth. Weariness overcame him and he sat down to doze before first Mass. But then that same voice: “I can see you, Father Jerome, but you can't see me”. Father Jerome sat up startled. No, nobody but he was in that still and austere house. Had he been dreaming?


As Father Jerome went through his day's work and devotions, the voice followed him. Anxiety seeped into his usually placid being. Was he ill? Why did nobody else seem to hear it? Was God taunting him, mocking some part of Father Jerome's mind that disdained the humble faith of his flock? Prayer brought no answer or respite, and Father Jerome began to despair at the thought of his torment continuing.


That evening, exhausted, he merely poked at his frugal supper and retired early. Despite his weariness, sleep eluded him as he waited, dreading the return of that voice. And return it did. Father Jerome closed his eyes, tried to turn his thoughts to the glories of high reason and not admit defeat to mere superstition. But the dark hours of the night can be Gethsemane for a soul thrown into doubt. Before he knew he was doing it, Father Jerome found himself speaking to something that all his learning told him could not be there.


“Who are you? Why are you tormenting me?”


A long silence filled the small bedroom. And then an answer:


“I have forgotten who I am. But you can help me be myself again”.


“I minister to the living and dying of this place” the priest cried, “How can I help one such as you?”


The chill and empty voice replied: “A soul can lose its body just as a body can lose its soul, holy man. Will you not help me to walk the earth as a body and soul again?”


Father Jerome sat bolt upright. “I am a priest, not a witch! You ask too much of me, spirit!”


“Then can you not ask Him who is almighty to do what you cannot?”


The sharp answer in Father Jerome's throat stopped short as he thought on what the voice asked. Surely God would never object to prayer? If it put to rest the spirit, or at least silenced it, well and good. And if it did not, what harm? So Father Jerome knelt down on the cold stone floor and began to pray.


As the long night wore on, Father Jerome pounded Heaven with prayer. He beseeched the Lord to hear his plea for the spirit who had visited him. He begged the Lord to forgive his arrogance and pride. He cast aside reliance on learning and books, and abandoned his very being to hope in his creator's unfathomable mercy.


As the grey tinge of the emerging day began to dispel the night, a euphoric calm settled Father Jerome's troubled breast. A profound, unshakeable reassurance touched his being, as if a strong gentle hand had caressed him. Was it a dream, or did he hear a deep voice that knew every fibre of his being say “Well done my son, your faith is precious to me”? And prostrate on the stone floor, Father Jerome fell into a deep dreamless sleep.


The insistent knocking of the village woman who cooked and cleaned for him woke Father Jerome. Startled, he stood up to answer the door, the night's events a confused collage of memories. But a sound made him turn around. Looking at the bed, not daring to credit what his eyes saw, he pulled back the thin blanket. And there, curled up in the golden light of the rising sun, was the perfect form of a boy, no more than twelve years old.


Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, that concludes the case for the defence.

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Monday 21 January 2008

Irregular Verbs

I have an eye for detail.

You are a nit-picker.

He can’t see the woods for the trees.



I have faith in my fellow man.

You are naive.

He came down in the last shower.


I am willing to learn from others.

You are derivative.

He is a brazen plagiarist.


I am an epicurean.

You eat too much.

He would eat the tablecloth if his mouth wasn’t already stuffed with the napkin.


I am eloquent.

You are long-winded.

He has verbal dysentery.


I am attractive.

You are a shameless flirt.

She is two-bit whore on a discount weekend.


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Saturday 8 December 2007

Contemplation

On this quiet afternoon, I'll plant the last of the bulbs. I'll enjoy the worthy ache in my back. There's a sure solidity in the packed and raked earth. I'll wipe the soil from the dull steel spade. I'll hang it in the shed on the third hook from the left.


I'll sit in the corner of the room as the evening advances. I'll breathe in the smells of suppers down the street. I'll wait - then I'll shut the gate behind me, lifting it to avoid the squeak.


Into the quiet of the night he'll stumble from the pub. He'll be so deafened by the din between his ears he won't hear me pad up behind him. He won't see it coming. He'll drop, too crumpled and pathetic to be worth burying.


I'll lock the shed, retire to my room, and in April the bulbs will come up.




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Wednesday 28 November 2007

The Comte de Chiftie





It was only by the greatest good fortune that His Majesty survived. The lightning-swift rush by the sailor Lugwort, the almost imperceptible movement as he slipped the gleaming dagger from his jerkin – they still send a coruscating shiver through me. My own part in denying him his goal has, perhaps, been exaggerated - but we give thanks that the snuff blown into his eyes by my sneeze blinded him. I pray that the fourteen children of Mme. Beauvine find consolation in the fact that the blow that took their mother's life spared His Majesty's. I hear that her dress, though stained, may yet serve for one of the larger daughters.

Of course Lugwort, an illiterate whose tongue was severed in a bawdy-house brawl, could and would not name those behind his treason. Of no use to us, he was swiftly dispatched to justice, first in this world and then the next. But the agitation and frenetic demeanour of the Comte de Chiftie were plain enough to see. Word soon reached me that he had been seen the day before the assault, sketching the tunnels under the Guardhouse. He was denounced and put to the question.

Ah! The Comte, a man in thrall to those dangerous ideas so prevalent in today's young; vapid notions and dreams that would quite destroy the order and concord of the State. A vain and vainglorious man, but not without his virtues. He showed considerable fortitude in the Chamber of Answers. Though he soon laid bare his own part in those vile deeds – it was he who distracted attention from Lugwort's entry through the kitchen by dropping a live duck into a cauldron of boiling water – he refused time and again to name the conspirators. Zganov the Questioner used every repellent groat's worth of his skills, but to no avail. It became clear that, such had been the assiduity of Zganov and his acolytes, de Chiftie was not long for this life.

In all things the proper forms must be observed. To let de Chiftie expire in the dark squalor of the dungeon would have led only to his elevation to martyrdom. "Better to see him tried and sentenced for what he has admitted, and might yet admit to save his soul!" said the Duc de Scorreggio. One does not dispute the opinion of the Royal Chamberlain, so a trial was hastily convened. De Chiftie’s confession (as far as it went) was more than sufficient for their august lordships to confirm what the laws of Nature clearly decreed – the Comte slumped pathetically in the dock and grew visibly weaker during the short proceedings. Yet he refused to name his fellow plotters, even when the Archpatriarch himself elucidated the eternal torment his soul faced.

The grim business of execution was set in motion. The block, the axeman, the scaffold – the apparatus of despatch was assembled. A large and raucous crowd gathered to see the gruesome spectacle. Drums rolled, guards clattered swords and sidearms. The tumbrel carrying de Chiftie was pelted with the detritus of the fish market and other things I cannot bring myself to mention. It fell to me to offer him a last chance of saving his soul, if not his head, but he could merely snivel and twitch, and he did not name names.

The wretch! They placed his neck on the block and the wicked blade of the axe flashed as Zganov himself – sworn to avenge his one and only failure – raised it to the roared approval of the mob. If only I had not been half deafened by the infernal noise of the scene! Too late I saw the bruised lips and broken teeth of the Comte form the words "the Baron ..." – I heard no more as the blade cleaved its irreversible course.

And the moral of the story is: Don't hatch your Counts before they chicken.

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Monday 26 November 2007

The seredipitously conjoint nature of cartoon and ID


The late and sadly lamented B. Kliban always strikes me as having IDCs and their fellow-travelers in mind...

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